Cornell Dining Introduces New “All We Allow You to Eat” Meal Plan

BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl, with an extra spoonful of cream on the most special of occasions.

“We give our residents only as much as they need,” said Miss Mann, Madame of Cornell Dining, “not an ounce more. If e’en one of them comes asking for another scoop of porridge, it’s straight to bed with them!”

Many of the children in such a hungry and destitute situation are upset with their new meal plan, becoming so voracious with hunger as to dream for even the slightest morsel.

“All I wanted, sir, was a slice of the bread ma’am keeps in the cupboard,” said Edwin Swubble, a boy of diminutive stature, whose growth may have continued unimpeded had his nourishing been sufficient, “I thought I had been good, done all me work for ages, but instead I got sent away with no supper just for asking. I nearly ate my roommate that night!”

Though the new meal plan has left many unsatisfied, the bony, starving children can unanimously agree that cooking for oneself is a far less desirable circumstance.

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