BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft..

“When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have any draftees this year, it really could be construed as a wake-up call. Although I tend to sleep through my alarm, so I’m not really sure how useful that would be. It’s probably significant, though.”

The Big Red, which finished the 2021 season with an abysmal 2–6 record, has not had a player drafted since 2013. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal that the program will experience a renaissance in the upcoming 2022 season.

“We’ve got some big-time dudes coming out this year, some real football-playin’ Jessies,” said Coach Archer unprompted. “I wouldn’t be shocked to see us win three, maybe even four games next year if we really play our tails off. That ought to really catch the attention of all the football teams like the Jets, the Jaguars, Clemson, and all the other big ones.”

At press time, athletic department officials were desperately lobbying general managers from the newly created United States Football League to please at least consider picking somebody, literally anybody, from Cornell to play on a professional football team.

Cornell Unwilling to Comment on Whether or Not Touchdown the Bear Has Sex

DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex?

“The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated student representative Bryan Wiseman ‘18. “For an organization such as a university, transparency and clear communication is of the utmost importance and the lack of statement on whether or not Touchdown the Bear ‘fucks like the goddamn animal that he is’ is a red flag in regards to how the university should handle these kinds of situations.”

“I really have no idea why people are asking about this,” stated a spokesperson for the administration. “Touchdown the Bear is a just a mascot. That’s it. Why does it matter whether he has sex? All he’s supposed to do is inspire school spirit.” After further questioning about whether Touchdown the Bear actually has a dick and if he is a top or bottom, the spokesperson broke down and was not available for further questioning.

While the student body may never receive an official answer from the University, the Ithaca Furry Community (the lesser known IFC) has publicly stated that they would be happy to fill in the blanks with a variety of short-form fiction, fan drawings, and re-enactments on Ho Plaza.

Outrage After Touchdown Snubbed of Win for Best Supporting Bear in “The Revenant”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards.

“It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director of the Cornell Ursinology Film Studies Institute. “Touchdown’s performance was nothing short of spectacular. From the opening frame he managed to hit his target emotions when necessary, and was able to effortlessly get across his more sensitive side, especially during the scene when the Cornell mascot was trying to gnaw Leo DiCaprio’s face off.”

Although disappointed, Touchdown appeared to maintain his composure during the ceremony when the Oscar went to the bears of Bear Story, who were praised for their performance in Gabriel Varga’s riveting animated short.

“This is a major disappointment,” said Jenny Stephenson ’18, “Touchdown was the clear choice. No other bear had the skill to simultaneously perform with the passion of a Grizzly, and the caress and nuances of a Kodiak.”

When asked for comment, Touchdown stormed away, ferociously roaming through Beverly Hills, convinced his only option now is to go back to cheering on hockey fans since his acting career has peaked.