Papa Bear? Touchdown Denies Fathering 5 Illegitimate Cubs 

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–The world of low-performance sports was rocked this Friday when a coalition of five she-bears announced that they had each given birth to one of Touchdown’s cubs this past breeding season.

“While students think of Touchdown as cute and cuddly, this teddy bear gave my clients more than just a bear hug,” alleged the coalition’s lawyer. “Touchdown rakes it in performing at Cornell football games while his children can’t afford to eat more than a few smackerels of honey. If he doesn’t start paying child support, we’re going to have to call animal control.”

Attempts at DNA tests have proved unsuccessful after the first clinician who attempted to perform sample collection lost all arms and legs in the process. However, the cubs share many of Touchdown’s distinctive features, including his brown fur, disproportionate head, and flat, unblinking eyes. Nonetheless, Touchdown’s team maintains his innocence. 

“This is a smear campaign, pure and simple,” said Touchdown’s handler Tony Ursus ‘15. “Touchdown is a firm believer in abstinence before bearriage. As a registered member of the Utica Zoo bear breeding program, he would never mate with someone who wasn’t selected by a zookeeper after a thorough review of their genetics. Besides, anyone who’s seen a Cornell football game knows that Touchdown can’t score.”

At press time, Touchdown had refused to comment on several jars of so-called “hush honey” sent to the dens of all five bears.

Football Player with Humiliation Kink Really Excited for Yale Game

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated.

“I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through his jersey despite being benched the entirety of practice. “I’ll wait till I’m a few yards from the end zone and then drop the ball through my naughty, naughty fingers. Maybe the referee will even call me a bad boy. Normally I’m a wide receiver, but let’s just say I’ll be a tight end tomorrow.”

Despite consistently ruining the dreams of inebriated students and washed-up investment bankers desperately reliving the glory days alike, Gable maintains that he’s seen nothing but benefits from his career of erotic failure.

“People ask me if I have a hard time making friends when I have such an obvious, life-consuming fetish, but on the Cornell football team I fit right in. Why else would everyone keep fumbling, missing extra points, and letting the opposing team plow through our defense like a car at a full crosswalk in Collegetown? There’s no way Cornell accidentally recruited that many bad players,” said Gable, who is not on speaking terms with any other members of the team.

Gable concluded by stating that at least he was “nowhere near as freaky” as “that furry in the bear suit.”

BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft..

“When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have any draftees this year, it really could be construed as a wake-up call. Although I tend to sleep through my alarm, so I’m not really sure how useful that would be. It’s probably significant, though.”

The Big Red, which finished the 2021 season with an abysmal 2–6 record, has not had a player drafted since 2013. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal that the program will experience a renaissance in the upcoming 2022 season.

“We’ve got some big-time dudes coming out this year, some real football-playin’ Jessies,” said Coach Archer unprompted. “I wouldn’t be shocked to see us win three, maybe even four games next year if we really play our tails off. That ought to really catch the attention of all the football teams like the Jets, the Jaguars, Clemson, and all the other big ones.”

At press time, athletic department officials were desperately lobbying general managers from the newly created United States Football League to please at least consider picking somebody, literally anybody, from Cornell to play on a professional football team.

Cornell Unwilling to Comment on Whether or Not Touchdown the Bear Has Sex

DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex?

“The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated student representative Bryan Wiseman ‘18. “For an organization such as a university, transparency and clear communication is of the utmost importance and the lack of statement on whether or not Touchdown the Bear ‘fucks like the goddamn animal that he is’ is a red flag in regards to how the university should handle these kinds of situations.”

“I really have no idea why people are asking about this,” stated a spokesperson for the administration. “Touchdown the Bear is a just a mascot. That’s it. Why does it matter whether he has sex? All he’s supposed to do is inspire school spirit.” After further questioning about whether Touchdown the Bear actually has a dick and if he is a top or bottom, the spokesperson broke down and was not available for further questioning.

While the student body may never receive an official answer from the University, the Ithaca Furry Community (the lesser known IFC) has publicly stated that they would be happy to fill in the blanks with a variety of short-form fiction, fan drawings, and re-enactments on Ho Plaza.

Outrage After Touchdown Snubbed of Win for Best Supporting Bear in “The Revenant”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards.

“It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director of the Cornell Ursinology Film Studies Institute. “Touchdown’s performance was nothing short of spectacular. From the opening frame he managed to hit his target emotions when necessary, and was able to effortlessly get across his more sensitive side, especially during the scene when the Cornell mascot was trying to gnaw Leo DiCaprio’s face off.”

Although disappointed, Touchdown appeared to maintain his composure during the ceremony when the Oscar went to the bears of Bear Story, who were praised for their performance in Gabriel Varga’s riveting animated short.

“This is a major disappointment,” said Jenny Stephenson ’18, “Touchdown was the clear choice. No other bear had the skill to simultaneously perform with the passion of a Grizzly, and the caress and nuances of a Kodiak.”

When asked for comment, Touchdown stormed away, ferociously roaming through Beverly Hills, convinced his only option now is to go back to cheering on hockey fans since his acting career has peaked.