URIS HALL—After years of silence, biology student Jada Stanley ‘27 has come forward with shocking allegations about her lab’s research. “I just needed a few samples of the Epstein-Barr virus for a test I was running,” said Stanley. “When I put in my request, my bosses started acting strange. They wouldn’t give them to me….
MARY DONLON HALL—The transition to college is challenging for nearly everyone, especially as many freshmen find themselves sharing their living space with a stranger for the first time. Inevitably, these new roommates learn that becoming familiar with each other’s masturbation schedules as soon as possible helps to smooth out the adjustment to campus life. After…
ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…
COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…
URIS HALL—The second week of classes started uneventfully, with students settling into their routines and professors getting to know their classes. However, a few terrified students in Uris Hall G01 were in for a cruel surprise. “The professor seemed more irritated than last week. Maybe because only half the class showed up after he said…
ONCE UPON A TIME—There was a little freshman in a little red hoodie, and so the student body called her Little Red Riding Hoodie. Little Red Riding Hoodie ‘29 was returning from her evening chem lab when she got a Crime Alert warning her to look out for a big, bad coyote. She did not…
