FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a Nissan Frontier in Tactile Metallic Green.
“I was really worried people were going to associate my leadership with violence, repression, and conservatism, so I thought a large pickup truck the color of a military vehicle would alleviate those fears,” said Kotlikoff.
When asked whether the change had anything to do with last semester’s controversy, President Kotlikoff admitted his relationship with student dissent was on the brain. “It’s actually perfect,” said Kotlikoff, “because now instead of just standing behind my car, the protesters can hop in the bed of my truck.”
Not everyone is happy with the change. Stephen Peters ‘28 feels the decision bypassed an appropriately democratic dialogue with the student body, remarking “I would’ve loved to see him in a Kia Sportage, but my truth was silenced.” Others say they felt blindsided by the lack of a campus-wide email informing them about the university president’s new vehicle, especially considering the uncertain status of its automatic braking system.
Ultimately, Kotlikoff says, there’s only one stamp of approval he needs on his big, new, tough-guy truck: his own. “I’m not compensating, and I’m certainly not compromising,” asserted the president. Just in case, though, Kotlikoff says he plans to place a “Coexist” sticker on his rear window, just beside his thin blue line punisher skull.
