ROCKEFELLER HALL—The morning of the Cornell Faculty Senate Vote of No Confidence, most of Cornell’s administration was bracing for what could be another indictment on their failure to handle the Jane Doe case. But Vice President Ryan Lombardi was hoping that the fallout would be greater, perhaps great enough that it would make him president.
Lombardi was heard asking a member of the faculty senate, “If we introduce a resolution backing me as president, can’t you just find 66 votes?” He was then seen demanding his assistant forecast the vote until Lombardi shouted, “Stop the count!” The results were disappointing; only 46.8% of faculty members were projected to support his candidacy, even after promising them a $5,000 dividend.
With no other options, Lombardi opted to mobilize his most ardent supporters: the trustees. After a tactical month-long pause on photoshoots with Touchdown, Lombardi was primed to convince this fanatic group of millionaires that only he could return Cornell to its status quo of suspending pesky protesters.
“I would’ve ran over that kid a second time to make sure he stays down,” said Lombardi to a crowd of trustees at a rally outside Day Hall. “For too long, this administration has been pushed around by the so-called ‘people’ wanting ‘institutional change’. If you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a campus with inexplicable contracts with your other companies anymore.”
At press time, the trustees were seen peacefully and patriotically marching down Feeney Way, with Lombardi curiously donning the fur headdress of Touchdown.
