THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
NORTH CAMPUS—Each February, thousands of Cornellians participate in the Perfect Match survey in an effort to find true love based on shared interests, similarities, and preferences. This year, students have the opportunity to receive a match that is, like, close enough. Close Enough Match is a student-led project team that utilizes machine learning to pair…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused. From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none…
BARTELS HALL—Alexander Pope ‘28, a self-identified social climber, is turning heads at Lindseth Climbing Center with his friendly demeanor. “Climbing is better with buddies!” remarked the beaming sophomore transfer, dusting his chalky hands on a pair of well-worn sweatpants. “I’ve been climbing since the fourth grade, and the thing that always keeps me coming back…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
CRETE, GREECE—Reports from the headquarters of Wings Over Crete, a chicken restaurant and fierce competitor of Collegetown’s Wings Over Ithaca, indicate that the company’s stock is in free fall after a series of hubristic business decisions. “Their new wings are way too hot,” complained Tess Sitamaran ‘27. “And I don’t like this gross wax that…
MORRISON HALL—Late at night, many students will use “instant foods” to fuel themselves during their long stretches of studious work. But this semester, residents at Morrison Hall have been trying a new brand of instant ramen for anything but their studies. “Usually when I’m trying to be a nuisance and wake up my neighbors, I…
KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…
