KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…
COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…
COLLEGETOWN—Roommates Sarah McClesky ‘26, Madison Blake ‘26, Lauren Mitchell ‘26, and Jessica Anderson ‘26 celebrated the start of the new semester with an age-old tradition—packing every single person they’ve ever met into their shitty collegetown apartment. “It’s like, almost October,” noted invitee Camila Martin ‘27. “I think their 500-square-foot four-bedroom has been sufficiently warmed.” But…
COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
ARTS QUAD—At a rare on-site press conference, President Michael Kotlikoff updated the Cornell community about the ongoing search for Ezra Cornell’s lost fortune, thought to be buried beneath the Arts Quad. “As you may know, our crews have been working overtime to find this hidden treasure,” said Kotlikoff, standing on a mound of displaced earth…
TOWER ROAD TUNNEL—Countless years after the commencement of the Great Scaffolding, the task of carrying forward the tale of a pre-construction McGraw Tower has fallen to Cornell’s wizened upperclassmen. “How could you imagine what life was like back then? You were born under The Shadow. It is all you have ever known,” lamented Delilah “Godmother”…
