ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
TEHRAN, IRAN—In a public address following a wave of strikes from the United States and Israel, Iran’s newly appointed Supreme Leader announced that the Islamic Republic has no plans to develop a nuclear weapon. “After all, we have promised our sworn enemies never to create such a device, which could theoretically be used against them…
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the fatal shootings of two Minneapolis residents by federal immigration agents this month, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has responded forcefully to public demands for action. “The administration’s behavior in Minneapolis is unacceptable,” he said at a press conference. “That is why Senate Democrats will be voting against DHS funding this week—unless,…
SAINT PAUL, MN—Amid widespread backlash against an ICE agent’s killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis last week, top Minnesota Democratic officials addressed calls for action at a press conference Wednesday morning. “In times of crisis, leaders need to be strong and clear,” said Governor Tim Walz. “So, I will talk directly to President Trump: my…
MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
URIS LIBRARY—Continuing the ongoing “redistricting war” by responding to actions from the Texas legislature and California Governor Gavin Newsom, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has unveiled a plan of her own to give Democrats a partisan advantage in her state. The plan, which will carve Ithaca into four new districts, also cuts right through Cornell’s…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
