MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
URIS LIBRARY—Continuing the ongoing “redistricting war” by responding to actions from the Texas legislature and California Governor Gavin Newsom, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has unveiled a plan of her own to give Democrats a partisan advantage in her state. The plan, which will carve Ithaca into four new districts, also cuts right through Cornell’s…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The first ten months of Trump’s second term have seen numerous slashes to purported “DEI” programs. Federal funding has been cut, companies have pared back or renamed their inclusivity efforts, and universities have had to scale down programs to keep federal support. Now, another American tradition is coming under the Trump administration’s scrutinized eye:…
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.” This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC…
WASHINGTON, DC—During an Oval Office press conference with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman last week, President Trump fired back at a journalist’s question about the Middle Eastern leader’s role in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “You’re mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial,” Trump replied, referring to Khashoggi. “A lot of people didn’t…
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
WASHINGTON, DC—The House Oversight Committee released thousands of emails from the estate of deceased child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein last week, including one that refers to “photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” speculated to be a reference to former President Bill Clinton. While Trump and prominent Republicans attempted to deflect from further confirmations that Trump was aware…
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
