Cornell Announces “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” to Slim Down Large Freshman Class

MORRISON DINING HALL— With nearly 4,000 students matriculating into Cornell’s Class of 2029, the entire student body has felt the effects of this massive influx: forced triple and quadruple dorms, long lines at service centers, and—perhaps worst of all—dining halls packed around the clock. With the infrastructure clearly unable to handle so many students, Cornell’s…

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Cornell Republicans Blame Radical Left for Shutdown of Morrison Dole Whip Machine

MORRISON DINING—After several tense days of negotiations and numerous attempts to sustain operations, the Morrison soft-serve dessert station has shut down. Talks between Cornell Dining and Dole Food Company collapsed early Monday morning, and the Dole Whip dispenser officially shut down at midnight. According to a Cornell Dining staff member, speaking on the condition of…

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Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer

HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…

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Graph Theory Professor Planning Trip to North Campus Stumped by Odd Number of Bridges

KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…

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guy yawning

Collegetown Housewarming Party Lukewarm at Best

COLLEGETOWN—Roommates Sarah McClesky ‘26, Madison Blake ‘26, Lauren Mitchell ‘26, and Jessica Anderson ‘26 celebrated the start of the new semester with an age-old tradition—packing every single person they’ve ever met into their shitty collegetown apartment.  “It’s like, almost October,” noted invitee Camila Martin ‘27. “I think their 500-square-foot four-bedroom has been sufficiently warmed.” But…

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