MORRISON DINING HALL— With nearly 4,000 students matriculating into Cornell’s Class of 2029, the entire student body has felt the effects of this massive influx: forced triple and quadruple dorms, long lines at service centers, and—perhaps worst of all—dining halls packed around the clock. With the infrastructure clearly unable to handle so many students, Cornell’s…
MORRISON DINING—After several tense days of negotiations and numerous attempts to sustain operations, the Morrison soft-serve dessert station has shut down. Talks between Cornell Dining and Dole Food Company collapsed early Monday morning, and the Dole Whip dispenser officially shut down at midnight. According to a Cornell Dining staff member, speaking on the condition of…
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…
As a native son of Western New York, I did not get much exposure to Jewish cuisine (or people) before I came to Cornell. But I’ve visited 104West! dining hall several times since I started living around the corner, and I have met many friends there. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to broaden my…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm. Rogers explained…
To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month. “We wanted to make…
NORTH CAMPUS—A regular Thursday evening in the Jameson 5th floor common room quickly devolved into shambles when weird student Jimmy Jenkins ’27 produced a Juul pod unlike any other, of the “Vent Behind Morrison” variety. “It started out normally enough,” stated fellow Jameson Resident Julie Earles ’25. “He shouted that he was fiending for nic,…
