BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not. Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated…
BUCKINGHAM HALL—After a trip to Spirit Halloween last Tuesday, one student believed they had the perfect topical political costume: the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Unfortunately, after two days of excitedly telling friends about their head-of-state costume, they discovered that their Halloween muse had quit her job. “Oh sure, what is my…
HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to be on the last Thursday…
Serial class skipper and salty dog Isaiah Freeman ‘25 was shocked to discover this Friday that their punishment for using up all their absences in PE 1350: Introductory Sailing was an eternity in Davy Jones’s locker. “At first I thought this was some kind of joke, but then he started talking about how he ‘doesn’t…
RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class. Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–Last Tuesday, students in Professor Stephen Winslow’s Intro to Ethics and Philosophy class were debating the merits of DuBois’ double-consciousness theory during an 11:00 AM discussion section when a comment from one student raised some eyebrows. The student, Sheldon Morestead ‘28, was commenting on the black struggle in America when he uttered a…
DAY HALL—After Student Assembly Resolution 15 requested that Cornell Health employ a gynecologist, administration responded with an elaborate and comprehensive response refuting any obligation they might have to grant healthcare to their students. “No,” claimed President Martha Pollack when asked whether the university could pay for an M.D. gynecologist as part of Cornell Health. When…
