ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”). “I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley…
STATLER—The Nestlé Library in Statler Hall is designed to be a collaborative work zone for Hotelies. Every so often, however, Eva Pearson ’25 stumbles in from the neighboring Engineering Quad. Pearson finds the space a welcome break from the everlasting torment of her sad, analytical engineering peers. “Being constantly surrounded by misery is bad for…
WASHINGTON, DC—A nationwide lurch to the right has secured a second term for former president Donald Trump. Suburban swing voters like homemaker Brittney White of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, were an important part of Trump’s winning coalition. White, who voted for President Biden in 2020, explained that although Trump has promised to govern as “a dictator,” the…
These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…
COLLEGETOWN—Every Halloweekend, even the most loyal of friend groups must inevitably reckon with the ultimate trial: picking a fair group costume. This Hallows’ Eve, Kendall Lin ‘27 and her friends were no exception to this timeless tradition of friendship-ruining decisions. “So, Jenna will be Tinker Bell the Tinker Fairy, I’ll be Silvermist the Water Fairy,…
HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…
NORTH CAMPUS—Excitement is in the air as students across campus eagerly await Halloween and solidify their weekend plans. As is tradition, the fractured remains of freshman friend groups will once again unite to form the tried-and-true group costume. However, the tedious process of delegating roles within a group costume is often likened to a Sisyphean…
LYNAH RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH RILEY’S…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
ROSE HALL—Family Weekend is traditionally characterized as an opportunity for parents to learn about their children’s lives at Cornell, for students to hide their stashes of illicit substances, and for dining hall workers to clean up unusually messy tables. However, for Katherine Booker ‘27 and her recently divorced father Mark Booker, this family weekend was…
