NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols….
EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing,…
BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line. “The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation. HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s courseroll. Human Development majors had…
SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the first half of the 20th…
ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera. “I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the…
ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”). “I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley…
ITHACA- In a move many are calling “pathetic” and “appalling,” the Cornell Daily Sun has posted an article to its website despite classes being out of session for the summer. “I never thought the paper would stoop this low,” said former Sun reader Jeremy Evans ’17, who now says he is embarrassed to have once…
