WHITE HALL—Much to the confusion of her friends, Government major Angela Xu ‘22 appeared enthralled by the possibility of a national political crisis that would surely plunge American society into chaos. “Imagine how historic it would be if we had a contested election—or better yet, what about a tie in the electoral college?!” Xu squealed,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well thought out concerns raised by…
URIS LIBRARY — Library Director Vera Mathelson announced that Cornell will begin a trial-period for the temporary checking out of self-esteem, self-confidence, and other measures of self-worth. “We identified a deficit in Cornell students of that special kind of happiness which can only be gained through positive reinforcement and a strong sense of self-esteem. We’re…
SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this. Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics. “It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team…
ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment. “I suppose it’s possible they just ran out of Black stories to…
GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…
The recent news exposing a grotesque “pig roast” run by the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity casts a solemn shadow over Cornell University, as well as the success of my annual Family Pig Roast. My event has been a staple in the Ithaca community for years now. We get loads of old fashioned home cooking, along…
DONLON HALL — The entirety of Cornell University experienced a power outage earlier this afternoon, a campus-wide problem that has now been attributed to freshman Johnny Ribb ’19 using a spider lamp in his Donlon single dorm room. “See? I told you! I told you spider lamps were dangerous!” announced Donlon third floor RA Ryan…
