ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca…
This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and…
I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we should just get rid of…
COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan. “See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch…
TEHRAN, IRAN—In a public address following a wave of strikes from the United States and Israel, Iran’s newly appointed Supreme Leader announced that the Islamic Republic has no plans to develop a nuclear weapon. “After all, we have promised our sworn enemies never to create such a device, which could theoretically be used against them…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
OLIN LIBRARY—Jess Maza ‘23’s run in with a first semester class acquaintance this Friday spiralled into a conversational disaster when a brief recap of winter break started to look like an in-depth discussion of the acquaintance’s new sorority. Maza should have realized what was happening after Michelle Clark ‘23 removed her jacket revealing a long…
OLIN LIBRARY — So prelims are in the news again. Crazy, huh? Am I right? You ever notice that professors try to schedule exams at the same time? Ugh, give me a break! These guys know what I’m talking about. Why are they even called prelims? What about current-lims? I’m not making this up, folks!…
ITHACA TOWN HALL — Early this morning, Ithaca mayor Svante Myrick announced that he would be canceling all of his scheduled meetings in favor of sewing the finishing touches onto his halloween costume with his mom. “I’m gonna be a race car driver!” said an excited Myrick as he and his mother gathered up a…
OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment for booze, CTB runs, and…
