Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…

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Insufferable Coffee Chat Terminated By Collapse of Olin Library Ceiling

OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by…

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Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members. “We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most…

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And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage

STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave.  “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…

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Aw! The Army of Roaches in the Walls of Your Apartment are Thrilled to Have you Back From Break

COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their…

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