DAY HALL—Mere hours after it was reported the Trump Administration aims to freeze $1 billion of Cornell’s federal funding, a Go-Fund Me page was created with quite the lofty objective of the exact same amount. “Trump may have unchecked political power and a cult-like supporter base, but we have this snazzy lil’ link that is…
A BED WITH A WHITE DUVET—God gives its toughest battles to its stwongest warriors, so obviously I’m like a war hero or something because I had to overcome quite the stwuggle last night. You see, usually Daddy and I waltz right on to Philbert, which is what we named our pwivate jet, but before we…
ARTES QUADRANGLE—Th’Cornell Renaissance Faire is underway, and its stewards hath invited to the festival a jester moste famous. Mister Colin Joust of Manhattan did agree to ‘tend the faire, where he’ll entertain crowds of revellers with’s fantastical and humorous tales. Mr Joust, perhaps best knowne for his exceedingly fair wife, is also a moste respected…
DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…
OLIN STACKS—In the privacy of a measly peasant corner cubby on Olin’s 7th floor, the tears and sniffles of Owen Simons ‘26 echo down the rows of desks. Approaching his 19th hour in the stacks, the unimaginable dawned on Owen and he broke down with the certainty that he had no choice but to become…
LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump’s Department of Education and Elon Musk’s so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) have reportedly made inquiries into Cornell University’s activities and funding as part of a broader attack on academia. During an Oval Office press conference on higher education, Trump thumbed through a briefing on Cornell and remarked, “Wow, everything’s computer.”…
LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…
URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
