September 2, 2015

Freshman’s Bob Marley Poster New Strategy To Make Friends

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…

Elizabeth Garrett Out of BRBs

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…

“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell Football Player Drafted to NFL Proves that Coaches Should Be Tested for Brain Damage Too

“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee

“There’s a Day Hall?” Asks a Confused Martha Pollack Wandering Onto Campus for the Third Time This Year

President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare

President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff

September 2, 2015

Freshman’s Bob Marley Poster New Strategy To Make Friends

Elizabeth Garrett Out of BRBs