GOLDWIN SMITH HALL- This Thursday, throughout the Temple of Zeus atrium, cell phones buzzed with the announcement email of an exciting new opportunity for students: Cornell Taking Day and a doubling of students’ tuition.
“At first I thought Cornell was taking away something important like good toilet paper in the bathrooms or the sexually gratifying statue of Ezra Cornell on the arts quad,” commented junior Lotty Cash. “But then I saw that it was just doubling the ridiculous amount of money we already pay and I relaxed. I mean, what does having enough money for food or housing matter if they don’t expand the engineering quad into my collegetown apartment?”
Cash wasn’t the only person excited about the new Cornell Taking Day. Her friend Rich Guy designed a happy lil Touchdown swimming in cash logo for a Taking Days contest. His prize was an additional $50,000 jump in his tuition dollars. Dean of Financial Aid Martin Moullah also expressed his excitement about the new school-wide holiday by taking away all his employee’s vacation days.
“Taking Day was really a more forceful response to Giving Day,” explained Moullah. “We thought that 50 emails every two minutes wasn’t an aggressive enough donation campaign so we decided to just require donations from all students. What do they even need the money for anyways? I want a pony and by god these kids are gonna pay for it!”
At the end of the day Moullah was observed doing a live-action photoshoot of Guy’s logo by confiscating the Touchdown costume as “tuition money” and laying in a pile of all the money earned from Taking Day.
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