COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries. Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is…
ITHACA, NY — Following an awkward, prolonged encounter with an unfortunate student, staff at Gannett Health Services were surprised and disgusted to learn that “the clap” was not, in fact, “a fun dance move like ‘the twerks’ that all these kids are into,” as reported by one distraught nurse. CU Nooz was on scene as…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance…
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end. “I…
ITHACA, NY – Last Tuesday, Freshman Human Development Major, Julia Bowers ‘17, confided to her twitter followers that she may have regrets towards attending school so far north. She tweeted, “28 degrees in October!? I should have just gone to Duke. #cornellproblems #LayersOnLayersonLayers #CantPee” A current resident of Richmond, Virginia, Bowers confided that she “might…
The bench outside of RPCC brings back many memories for the class of 1974, after which it has been dedicated. Here, alumni of ’74 share their stories: Daniel Dykeman- “I remember from my days at Cornell that there were just so many benches on Cornell’s campus, but by far that one was my favorite. It…
