“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor.

“Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder exclaimed. “I thought such high-level cybersecurity was far beyond their feeble capacities, but I have clearly underestimated their technical prowess. Well played, Madam Pollack. Well played.”

Working deep into the night for the better part of the year in order to access the invaluable data contained within the company’s servers, Mr. Marauder appeared thoroughly disheartened. “Over the years, I’ve cracked some of the world’s most secure firewalls,” the mysterious pirate continued, “but I never considered that I might confront the archnemesis of cybercriminals everywhere: Duo Mobile.”

Despite this setback, Mr. Marauder remained determined in his quest. “Can you imagine the wealth of data contained in those accounts?” he said. “A nearly endless array of syllabi, due dates, and discussions. And the modules! Modules as far as the eye can see… yes, I must continue. You may have won this round, Cornell, but I will never surrender!”

At press time, the hacker promptly bypassed the two-factor requirement and gained entry to the site by logging in on his phone and sending a push to the same device.

Honoring Black History Month, Professor Pledges to Continue Using Blackboard This Semester

ROCKEFELLER HALL—In an effort to show solidarity with his Black students during Black History Month, Anthropology Professor Bradley Haynes announced that he will refuse to switch from Blackboard to Canvas this semester.

While many professors are not opting to switch platforms until Spring 2020, Professor Haynes said his choice will show students that he is “truly down for the cause.”

“After binge-watching The Wire and viewing several rap videos I truly understand what it means to be Black in America”, Haynes said while struggling to figure out how to add a ‘Grades’ section to the class Blackboard. “I think my students will finally understand how much I care about their culture and preventing erasure in course platform names.”

While continuing to use an objectively worse course management system is a small move, Haynes emphasized that he does not want his Black students to think poorly of him or think he is out of touch with anything but technology.

“I’m also planning on giving every student with proof of having more than one Black friend an extra 5% on their final grade,” said Haynes, adding that they’d have to submit proof on paper because he can’t figure out how to set submission up through Blackboard’s interface.

Black students in the class noted that while the professor means well, they don’t expect him to modify the readings for the semester to include a single study of a non-white society.