OP-ED: It’s Time to Deport A Cappella Groups to Ithaca College

Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A CAPPELLANS, have unleashed a series of torturous concerts, and they are not through. They never will be. 

I ask you: remains there a single Cornellian untouched by this blight? Do we want innocent first-years exposed to this, hurt by this, for years to come? Do you, dear reader, want to deal with another wave of concerts ever again?

Fortunately, there is hope. As Cornell carries this curse, so too is it blessed—for a solution lurks nearby. Many Cornellians have had the misfortune of spotting this wretched place. Perhaps, while browsing Olin’s stacks or strolling atop the slope, you have noticed in the distance two unsightly towers and a grotesque spire. That, my friend, is Ithaca College. 

Most Cornellians only ever think of this peculiar institution when we encounter one of their students in the Commons or on a bus—and then quickly forget about it. Unfortunately, our current problem requires us to learn a bit about them. You see, Ithaca College is largely a music school. Whereas we rightly judge the A CAPPELLANS as strange and dangerous, Ithaca College and its students welcome, encourage, and support these deviant beatboxers and ooh-ahhers. I will not claim to know what goes on in their minds to bring them to such a conclusion, but, needless to say, it is twisted and dark.

A solution to our woes, then, presents itself. I say, for the good of Cornell and Cornellians, expel the A CAPPELLANS! Let them live amongst their wicked brothers and sisters!

Perhaps the humanitarians reading this are wary. Friends, I assure you this solution is best for everyone. We Cornellians will be free from this scourge, but the A CAPPELLANS, too, will be happier at their new home. No longer will a majority of their concert audience be there by coercion—as hard as that is to imagine! To anyone concerned about the plan’s feasibility: it is less than an hour’s walk from Central Campus to Ithaca College. Given this geographical blessing, the A CAPPELLANS can make their way on foot, requiring no investment from the university. And for those of you—if you do exist—who do not take issue with the plan’s execution but rather with its objective, I say: leave with them! If you harbor sympathies for these monsters, follow them to Ithaca College, that dark den of sin. We shall see how long your sympathy lasts.

My good Cornellians, this plan requires no money, no university resources. All it requires is bravery. President Pollack, be brave! See the people’s will carried out! Expel the infernal A CAPPELLANS once and for all!

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.”


“Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for any threats they might send my way during budget application season,” claimed Bergenson. “I heard rumors about a past SAFC officer called ‘Green Beans’ requiring ransom payments for kidnapped treasurers and sending severed animal heads to club officers so I’m not too worried about some little note. Though I am a bit concerned about how they were able to enter my apartment and slip the note under my door.”


Upon further inspection of his apartment, Bergenson discovered his favorite anime body pillow ripped to shreds, save the head which appeared to have a bullet hole in the forehead and blood staining the remaining fabric.


When asked for comment about recent threats made against club treasurers, SAFC’s new Director of Public Relations, Giovanni “Cannoli Cream” Trattoria ‘24 responded, “We at the SAFC believe that budget requests should be like a game of craps: fair and square. You play with fair dice? We’ll honor your requests, no problem. You throw us a loaded roll? Be prepared for you and your little club to face the consequences.”


As of press time, Bergenson was seen sending a second appeal for the hentai budget request, and shortly after, returning home to three burly suit-clad men surrounding a bucket of water, an elevated bench, and a dry cloth.

Cornell Alumnus ‘79 Still On Ukulele Club Listserv

WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv.

“I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even is a ukulele, some kind of bird?”

Email was an exciting phenomenon in 1975, and has since often stumped students using it for their clubs. Ukulele Club members, for instance, have been unable to figure out how to remove alumnae such as Cromwell from their listserv for over four decades.

“We send out maybe 1, 2 emails out a day to over 7000 members with meeting times and songs to listen to,” said current club president Winnie Kuroda ‘19, not realizing that of the 7000, 86% have graduated, over half have never touched a ukulele, and maybe 50 have died from old age.

Sources confirmed that Cromwell ‘79 plans to finally check out what the club has to offer, as he has become quite the bird enthusiast lately.

OP-ED: Do You Have My Club’s Facebook Page Password?

I’m glad I have your attention. I’ve looked everywhere without any luck, and I could really use your help. Is there any chance you have my club’s Facebook page password?

We created our Facebook page awhile back in the hopes that it would be a good way to gain exposure. But after a few months our social media chair Jessica graduated and she gave it to Dave, but then he went abroad and we couldn’t contact him. After that the page went unused for a couple semesters.

Of course, recently we decided we wanted to get it back up and running, but Dave also graduated. He said he gave the password to Mandy, who changed it, but Mandy said she couldn’t manage the page because she was having a stressful semester so she gave it to Sarah. Unfortunately, Sarah stopped coming to club meetings a few months ago and muted the Groupme and won’t return any of our emails or texts.

Needless to say, we’ve tried everyone. There was Jamey, who was the secretary back in the day but he insisted he never knew the password, and Rick, but he’s pretty sure he made a page that no one used so he deleted it and doesn’t remember the password anyway. We even contacted a bunch of alums, to no avail. So please, I know the odds are slim, but is it possible you know my club’s Facebook page password?