Roommate Shaped Hole In Apartment Wall Was “Totally There When We Moved In”

STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.”

“I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said Deric Long ‘24, a fellow member of the apartment. “We moved in and Jacob was like ‘Oh man I’m gonna go check out the kitchen,’ and I pointed at the big hole in the wall and said ‘Wow that big hole is my exact height and width, isn’t that neat?’ and then we all agreed that the hole was there.”

Haddow has not yet been able to verify the precise date of the hole’s conception. Attempts to reach out to his landlord proved unsuccessful after she too could not remember whether their unit had come with “the finished walls package.” 

“I guess I am pretty forgetful sometimes,” commented a thoughtful Haddow. “Just about every week I find myself forgetting something, like how much milk is left in the fridge, how many rolls of toilet paper we have left, or how many pillows I keep on my bed. Deric never forgets any of that stuff; I’ve got no idea how he does it. I could’ve sworn the wall looked normal yesterday, but then again, I thought the same thing about my bedroom window and it turned out that that was broken all semester too!”

“Besides, it’d be really hard to make a hole like that,” added Long. “You’d need a running start and big jump to get close to that size. I honestly think it’d be impressive.”