“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish.

“I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said Riley Greenwood ‘22. “I was promised an Ivy League education, but these are high-school level slurs. And since the class is over Zoom, he couldn’t even shove me into a locker afterwards. They’re charging me full tuition for this?”

While many students echoed Greenwood’s dismay, Professor Ostgarden has seen a rally of support from the men-who-wear-suits-to-class community.

“I came to Cornell because of its strong academic tradition, and I believe this morning validated my choice,” said Charles Highlock ‘22. “Where else could I find someone who’s still fighting the good fight against the Irish? While I don’t agree with calling them ‘miserable little potato bugs,’ you have to admit, the whole ‘Irish potato famine’ thing is pretty suspicious. He’s just asking the hard questions.” 

At press time, Cornell administration promised to “denounce hatred in all forms” and “reaffirm their commitment to marginalized communities” by drawing a frowny face on Ostgarden’s next exorbitant paycheck. 

OP-ED: You Boozy Fuckers Know Nothing About Esteemed Irish Culture

Listen up, you assholes: all of you, with your fake orange beards that look like upside-down Troll hair and your misplaced green Mardi Gras beads, know jack shit about the esteemed religious and cultural meaning of Saint Patrick’s Day.

This is supposed to be the one time of the year when people acknowledge the 5th-century missionary who became the canonized figure of The Emerald Isle, and all you selfish crass college kids do is chug shitty green beer and piss it back onto the law school? Why don’t you just shove a shamrock-frosted cupcake up my ass?

And don’t get me started on all you twisted fucks who tell people to “kiss me, I’m Irish,” but I bet none of you even speak one word of Gaelic and you just think this sacred festival honoring the life and legacy of the foremost patron saint of Ireland is a convenient way to score some action. Have some respect, you sick freaks.

For me, I’m going to be spending my Saint Patrick’s Day making sure everyone who crosses my path knows that not every Irish person dances the fucking jig and looks like a three-foot-tall Ed Sheeran. And you’d better believe I’m going to wear green, but in the form of a long sleeve button-up, and also in church, praying for all you sacrilegious, insensitive pieces of shit.