OP-ED: I Came To Cornell To Find A Husband But All I Got Was A World-Class Education

Many a year ago, when I still had about me the sprightly air of youth, I had felt myself most fortunate to have secured entrance into a finishing school where I was to polish those homemaking topics which are appropriate to the instruction of a young lady: pianoforte, embroidery, multivariate calculus, continental philosophy, organic chemistry, and Swahili. My Papa had assured me that it was here, at Upstate New York’s finest charm school, that I would secure my future with a most advantageous marriage. 

I was even to be wedded, once. It was four springs ago, under the wisteria blossoms in the Arboretum, that I gazed modestly upon the gentleman to whom I was sure I would be betrothed by the end of my first spring at Cornell. Alas, my betrothal to this titled young lad was not to be. He was torn away from me, summoned to the warfront. When I learnt of his conscription to the brave ranks of the ROTC, my young heart was wrought with worry. He promised to write to me, and for many seasons I awaited word from him. Over two long winters, I gazed wistfully into the blank expanse of snowy Ithaca and shed sparkling tears over the horrible prospects that he was surely facing. Did he have enough to eat at the depleted Okenshield’s mess hall? Did his toes ache from cold through his threadbare boots as he crossed the impenetrable tundra known ominously as the “Engineering Quadrangle?”. Alas, I was to receive no reassurances, no word to salve my wondering heart. 

It was during this time that I began to wither. Subject to the hardships of Cornell life, I slowly surrendered the rosy glow of girlhood. I developed calluses, aches, and an unbecomingly straightforward manner of speaking. Where I was to find feminine instruction and a husband, I instead found moral corruption, drunkenness, revelry, and promiscuity. Worst of all, I was saddled with the heaviest and most useless burden a woman can carry: a world class education. 

The indignities of my condition as an educated woman are myriad. I live the most reprehensible life possible—a life of the mind. I oft find myself engaging in unladylike belligerence when I address men directly as my equal, unconsciously goaded on by the many centuries of knowledge and rhetoric that now fill my soul like a bile. It is a hideous affliction, education. My Mama, who worked so tirelessly to instill in me the virtues of ladyhood, would faint if she saw how crude I have become since my exposure to the grand projects of humanity’s quest for understanding. 

Neither feminine instruction nor a suitable husband could Cornell deliver; I instead found myself in the throes of corruption. The young men, whom I had been assured were of the most genteel background, conduct themselves as would barnyard animals. 

All this has qualified me only for spinsterhood and dissatisfaction, and I have become resigned to my fate. I shall pass the last days of my life in an attic somewhere, growing ever more shrewish and haggard, with only the dim light of self-actualization and accrued knowledge of the great texts of the Western canon to illuminate the space. The devil himself would pity my bargain; trading an ivory dress for the ivory tower. I think, therefore I am forever alone. Fie upon Cornell, miserable bastion of learning!

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class.

Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes.

“Unfortunately, none of you were able to meet the standard necessary for entry into this illustrious organization and access to our perks,” it read, “including a Brooks Brothers tab and the guarantee of at least one friend who has an uncle who’s a VP at Goldman Sachs.”

Many brothers of the Kappa chapter are excited by the move to turn away every single one of the five hundred applicants. “Besides us all vacationing in the same part of the Hamptons, the pure rush of power we get by rejecting our peers is the glue that holds this organization together,” said brother Paul Bush V. “I know I will be wearing my letters around campus a lot more now.”

Other pre-professional fraternities are expected to make similar changes to protect their own elite reputations, which will bring down membership in such groups to an estimated three by spring of 2022.

Campus Loses Bet After Football Win

SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon.

“I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a new pair of shoes.

Hundreds of Cornell alumni came to campus for the Big Red’s first game in the Ivy League conference, with the intention of putting money on the Yale Bulldogs in hopes to make a surefire buck.

“I brought the kids out here for the big game, and sure we won, but now my wife insists I need to stop gambling,” said Trevor Liebman ’83.

At press time, Football Head Coach David Archer was seen slumped over in the locker room softly muttering the phrase “I’m ruined.”

“UPenn Studnets Beter Than Conrell” Reports UPenn Student

PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian.

“Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell education Archibald Lafkey, UPenn class of 2019, known online as ivyleeg8302, who later added “conrell was my safty lol.”

The internet commenter furthered his point by comparing rankings in U.S. News and World Report’s “Best Colleges” list, specifically noting that “nine is smaller than fifthteeth so that means we r more than half times beter then them.”

Cornell University officials declined to respond to the comments, telling students to pay no heed to allegations made that Cornell is “the wurst colege in the midle of fcucking nowere” or that “cornell eets poop lmao.”

At press time, Lafkey had not written an online comment in several days and is feared to have forgotten how to breathe.