“UPenn Studnets Beter Than Conrell” Reports UPenn Student

PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian.

“Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell education Archibald Lafkey, UPenn class of 2019, known online as ivyleeg8302, who later added “conrell was my safty lol.”

The internet commenter furthered his point by comparing rankings in U.S. News and World Report’s “Best Colleges” list, specifically noting that “nine is smaller than fifthteeth so that means we r more than half times beter then them.”

Cornell University officials declined to respond to the comments, telling students to pay no heed to allegations made that Cornell is “the wurst colege in the midle of fcucking nowere” or that “cornell eets poop lmao.”

At press time, Lafkey had not written an online comment in several days and is feared to have forgotten how to breathe.