DAY HALL — Administrators in Day Hall for the past few weeks have basked in the luxury of their massive campus bureaucracy, reveling in their absolute power as the myth of shared governance spreads across campus like a disease.
Sources close to the building reported large numbers of faculty in the unruly beast of a management system rolling around in large amounts of paper money, pouring whipped cream on each other’s naked chests and burning university bylaws on funeral pyres.
“I just went in to Day Hall to check the status of my financial aid application, and everyone in there was rubbing massage oil on each other,” Junior Adam Cahunas said, adding that in the middle of the indulgent chaos was a majestic seven-tiered wedding cake dedicated to celebrating the glorious profligacy for its own sake.
“Our importance to this university is unmistakable,” stated Mike Sheen, Assistant Director of Directing Assistants, “and every so often we like to acknowledge this importance by flaunting our untenable stranglehold on university decisions in the face of students, faculty and alumni.” He went on to point out that using a couple hundred thousand dollars on Kobe beef lunches no more than three times a week was “necessary to maintain the proper frill that administrative bureaucrats have come to expect.”
At press time, the lavish party was stretching long into the night, with President Garrett herself screaming “BOW TO ME, I AM YOUR QUEEN!” as she rode a mattress down the spiral staircase.