Friend Studying Abroad Absolutely Must Go To Barbados to Study Russian Literature

KLARMAN HALL—On Thursday evening, Callie Meyers ‘25 and Bryan Shim ‘25 were chatting over a warm cup of borscht at Temple of Zeus when Meyers unknowingly broached an incredibly sore subject: Shim’s study abroad plans. 

The simple question of “So, where are you studying abroad?” was reportedly enough to send Shim spiraling into a red-faced, sputtering, and weirdly defensive state. “Fine, alright. You got me! I’m going to Barbados for the Russian Literature program. But, did you know that Barbados is actually in the Top 200 Countries for Studying Russian Literature? One might even say that Barbados was the birthplace of Russian Literature!” exclaimed Shim, waving a brochure and attracting the attention of other Zeus patrons. 

Before Meyers could respond, Shim launched into a second tirade, “You know what, I’m done trying to convince you. Hahaha, laugh it up. But I’ll have you know that it is actually an extremely legitimate program!” Nervous Temple of Zeus patrons reported that Shim then stormed away with tears streaming down his face, knocking over the cup of borscht and leaving, in his wake, a crumpled brochure.

Meyers disclosed that she had never even heard of the Barbados Russian Literature program. Surveying the abandoned brochure, she quickly became acquainted with some of the courses offered. “The Life and History of Fyodor Dostoy-jetski? C’mon. They have a Crime and Punishment-inspired mixology class called Lime and Punch ‘n mint where they just ‘drink like the old Russian masters,’” she continued. “There’s even a banana foraging class, Banana Karenina, that explores themes of faith, fidelity, and carnal desire.” 

Meyers stated that she hadn’t realized how absolutely nonsensical Shim’s study abroad program was. “It sounded pretty ridiculous, but I had no idea how incredibly laughable it actually was until I read those jokes that they call courses.” 

She then pulled out the brochure for her own study abroad program for Communications in Antarctica.

Humanities Not Dead, Just Sleeping

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Despite the rumors that the humanities are dead, faculty and students at Cornell firmly believe that they are, in fact, only sleeping.

“It’s only natural that the humanities would need a break,” explained Art History Professor Nick Chen. “They mattered for thousands of years, and a discipline can’t go on mattering like that forever. At some point they just need a deep, dreamless rest. But not in a dead way.”

Humanities majors across the College of Arts and Sciences are insistent that not only will disciplines like History soon have a Renaissance, but also that fellow students will eventually stop making fun of their majors.

“In my philosophy class, we’ve discussed philosophies of death from Plato to Heidegger,” said Aiden Woodcomb ‘19. “Death is a truth of life. It’s absolutely undeniable; you cannot deny when a thing is dead. But anyway, yeah, the humanities are totally fine and I’ll definitely find a job soon.”

Although students passionately maintain that the humanities are only sleeping, Foundations of Modern Literature hasn’t had class in two weeks and it seems pretty certain that the professor is actually dead.