STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket.
“All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed out, and they pathetically offered hundreds of dollars for tickets, but here I am, sitting pretty in one of the best seats in high fourth quadrant of Bailey Hall,” said Kilbourne, scrolling through Eric Andre’s Wikipedia page to figure out if he’s famous or something.
Kilbourne’s Cornell Concert confirmation email is currently his phone’s lock screen and his profile photo on multiple social media platforms.
“Other students just lacked the drive and perseverance to click through an endless series of confirmation pages,” Kilbourne boasted. “Sucks that they’ll never get to sit in my sick-ass seat in the far back corner of the mezzanine. I’m able to see all of Bailey Hall, and most of the stage.”
Despite initial excitement over his accomplishment, Kilbourne skipped the CUPB-presented performance to attend a “sick rager” thrown by an elite fraternity.