Travelers Catch Lucky Break After Delayed OurBus Gets Towed to Binghamton Anyway

BAKER FLAGPOLE—Though Cornell students are no stranger to the cruel whims of fortune, a select group of weary holiday travelers were quite surprised to experience an ever elusive “kind” turn of fate. After several hopeless hours of accepting that they would never make it to Binghamton due to the inoperable state of their bus, the students were saved when it was simply towed there anyway.

“This is the first good thing that’s happened to me all semester,” said Sam Coolidge ’26, pausing briefly to stare blankly into the distance. “I was getting ready to call my mom and tell her that I’d be spending Thanksgiving at Okenshields again, just like after last year’s bus breakdown, when they started towing the bus. We all thought they’d just forgotten us, which was true, but also we  were headed to Binghamton!” recalled Coolidge. “We made great time too, only three hours late! As an experienced OurBus customer, I made sure to tell my parents not to come until four hours after the scheduled time, so I got to spend a whole hour hanging out with Big Mo at the tow yard!”

The hours leading up to the bus’s salvation by Big Mo’s Tow and Tune Up were reportedly fraught with uncertainty. After the bus’s driver proclaimed that “This bus is not working anymore,” he reportedly stopped speaking and went around to the back of the bus to kick at the tires and smoke a cigarette. The students, already seated on the bus, all pretended that everything was fine for thirty minutes until roughly half of them received a text that another bus was coming to get them. This information was not fully distributed among the riders as the students did not wish to talk to one another. Additionally, the purported “new bus” never arrived and further research indicates that it likely did not exist.

“This is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had on an OurBus,” stated Darla Tate ’24. “Over Fall Break all the wheels just fell right off the bus in Slaterville Springs and we had to hitchhike the rest of the way. Our driver for that trip did a great job teaching us all how to do it, but I don’t really want to learn during my days off y’know,” explained Tate. “This time it was basically a regular bus ride! Sure, Big Mo drives a little erratically, and he dumped half the luggage off the bus because of “balance issues,” but I’m not one to complain.”

Though this occurrence does seem serendipitous, Big Mo claimed that this is actually the fourth time he’s been called in to tow this same bus. Big Mo says that he’s also been receiving cryptic phone calls requesting his services at the end of Fall Semester for “foreseen unforeseen mechanical issues”.

Radicalized Bus Driver Promises “Under Communism, All Buses Will Be OurBus”

WEST CAMPUS–The 3:00 bus to New York City was left in turmoil this Thursday after CoachUSA driver and political radical Jessie O’Connor announced her support for OurBus-based political systems.

“Awaken yourselves, fellow proletariat!” declared a borscht-chugging, chain-smoking O’Connor to her bus full of self-described “solidly middle-class” hotel heirs. “Too long have the capitalist pig-dogs at Shortline been allowed to control the means of production. In our glorious new world there will be neither rich nor poor–neither Greyhound nor TCAT. Under communism, all buses will be OurBus!” 

O’Connor’s surprise proclamation has triggered a critical reexamination of Marx’s masterwork Das Kapital, including a heretofore forgotten chapter titled Die Oürbussen. Economic theorists are already declaring the bus-themed treatise one of history’s most important calls to the working class, second only to Britney Spears’ anthem “Work Bitch.”

“For decades, philosophers have wondered why communism, while excellent on paper, has routinely failed in the real world,” said ILR professor Raul Cisneros ‘87. “It is now clear that the key to true economic liberation is conveniently-timed buses from Ithaca to Syracuse Hancock Airport starting at a mere $30. The revolution is now, comrades!”

As of press time, the revolution was already delayed thirty minutes.