Financial Aid Gives All Students $3 and a PepsiCo Product as Apology for Thousands of Unoffered Aid Dollars

DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors.

“We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84. “What these students don’t understand is that we do not have the budget to pay what we should have been paying this whole time. So, we have an alternative reward offer for all impacted students, which is generously supported by some gracious corporate benefactors. Even then, however, we can only offer about 300 cents and an extra perk. Unfortunately, we are all out of additional financial aid, is Pepsi okay?”

Cornell has been looking for ways to integrate sponsorship into student life. From making Bubly, the sad man’s LaCroix, available in most dining halls, to providing student credit internships union-busting for the confectionary giant, there has been an aggressive push to ensure students are as addicted to PepsiCo products as they are to stress. Unfortunately, this effort has not been without opposition from the student population.

“Three dollars and a Pepsi? Is that really all they’re offering?” asked dining hall worker Carl Hecker ‘21. “I’ve been filing financial forms for the majority of the past two years, and I find out Cornell has been offering me half of what I could’ve gotten because of prestige or something? I feel so incredibly disrespected. The very least they could’ve done is splurged for some Sprite or something.”

At press time, Cornell University is searching for additional options to potentially increase financial resources for students, including a “particularly intriguing” offer from RC Cola that would up the award by fifty cents and an extra can.

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. 

University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate. 

“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate. 

The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students. 

“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.

“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.” 

As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.

Cornell’s Dietary Guidelines Recommend 12 Daily Servings of PepsiCo Products

PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day.

“Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you eat,” said Cornell Health administrator Juanita Thomas ‘91. “That’s why it’s so important to clarify that they should be aiming to eat roughly 10 to 14 portions of PepsiCo products, such as those available at Cornell Dining’s many locations across campus.”

Despite the guide’s stringent requirements, university officials believe they can help students make healthy choices. “We understand the need to treat yourself to some Whole Foods, or maybe even a General Mills product every once in a while, but this should generally be a special occasion instead of the norm,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “That’s why we’re committed to selling healthy alternatives like 1.25 L bottles of soda for as little as 99 cents.”

At press time, the three organizations announced an addendum to the guide, reminding students to use only the finest SC Johnson hand sanitizer prior to eating their 12 servings of Pepsi-co products.