Sophomore Boy’s Love of Pissing In Water Bottles Lands Him Amazon Internship

CASCADILLA HALL—Pissboy extraordinaire Alex Handerson ‘23 was delighted to receive an offer this Monday for an Amazon internship after revealing his productivity-maxing strategy of simply urinating in the container closest to him.

“We knew Alex was the perfect fit for our corporate culture. Not only did he have zero concerns about the health risks, privacy violations, or lack of bathroom breaks associated with the job, but he actually preferred it,” explained an Amazon recruiter. “When people called on us to value workers as human beings, we looked into it. Ultimately, we decided that we didn’t want to. Now, we will be hiring those who don’t deserve any better: sophomore boys.”  

Handerson was a standout applicant whose resume listed Long Distance Aim and Speed Pissing under both Special Skills and Interests. His submitted portfolio demonstrated his adaptability; the self-described “go-getter” whizzes in Poland Spring, Dasani, and SodaStream bottles.

“It’s not exactly the Software Engineering job my parents were hoping for, but it feels good to work somewhere where my contributions, and excretions, are valued,” said Handerson. “The building care and maintenance staff of Cascadilla Hall said I was a disgusting, sociopathic freak that would never amount to anything, but here I am!” 

Handerson’s mother was ecstatic to hear the news that he would be spending the summer away from home and quick to clarify that “he didn’t learn any of that weird shit from us.”