Disarmed Kathy Zoner Uses Rope & Lasso to Wrangle In Naughty Boys

ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback.

“Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the Day Hall parking lot,” noted bystander Louis Parker ’22. “She then placed her 10-gallon hat on its roof before asking ‘who do you think you are stirrin’ up trouble ‘round this little ol’ town?’”

“She must’ve been waiting for this moment for years, right?” asked Sammy Peters ’23, who was busted for jaywalking across Campus Road. “I mean, does CUPD have horses? No, like seriously, have they always had horses?”

By Sunday afternoon, the cling-clang of her boot spurs struck fear into the heart of any local rascal within earshot. Zoner, who routinely removed her bandana to menacingly stare down her foes, had already rounded up dozens of ne’er-do-wells guilty of various campus infractions.

At press time, Zoner, sporting a customized saddle and golden belt buckle, tossed the rope over her shoulder, mounted her trusty steed, and silently nodded before racing down Tower Road and disappearing into the night.

The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands.

The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and if they ought to consider the standard or fleece-lined model. COVID-19 restrictions sadly made the test-licking pair of Timberlands procured by the Student Assembly inaccessible to the majority of voters, although a few stopped by the boots’ top-secret on-campus location to “give them a big old sniff.”

While decisions on the deliciousness-factor of steel-toed work boots are normally scored on a rubric of salt, fat, acid, and heat, the Student Assembly opted to renounce this system. Instead, the S.A. debated how they believed the boot might taste, based on their understanding of other Twitter users’ professed boot palettes. An attempt to bring Cornell’s foremost boot-licking expert onto the call to answer questions was described as “literal violence” by an anonymous S.A. member.

This attention-grabbing issue has drawn to the forefront of campus discussions the importance of S.A. reform and the issues of effective representation, but somehow has not made anybody notice this happens every goddamn year.

Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote

LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe.

“Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to hear all of the reasons you should be supporting me for Student Assembly this year?”

McLandham felt that something was off when the pale-faced juniors stared at him silently in tears, but he figured not everyone was going to support him right away and prepared to turn on some extra mojo to reel in the two votes.

“Look, you won’t regret it,” the slightly clammy college politician continued with forced confidence. “I’m going to make sure we all get free Pornhub subscriptions and all chalk drawings are laminated with saran wrap so the rain doesn’t wash them away. It’s about time—are you with me?!”

The couple hastily muttered a “yeah sure, man” under their breaths while gathering their things to leave, officially breaking up but at least two votes closer to getting free Pornhub subscriptions.

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure.

“Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality at Gannett? As your SA representative, I understand you might be frustrated by the flaws in our current system,” Thomas said to the guy peeing to his right, edging closer and leaning in slightly in an attempt to appear more charismatic. The self-proclaimed politically-savvy candidate then introduced himself, his campaign pitch, and a summary of his positions while taking his sweet time relieving himself, attempting to make eye contact.

“There were four other urinals he could have chosen, but he chose the one right next to mine!”, said a pleasantly surprised Jason Birchman ‘20. “This shows he really cares.”

To really reel Birchman in, Thomas slipped him a quartercard with a charming wink before confidently leaving his potential voter to wash his hands in peace.