LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe.
“Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to hear all of the reasons you should be supporting me for Student Assembly this year?”
McLandham felt that something was off when the pale-faced juniors stared at him silently in tears, but he figured not everyone was going to support him right away and prepared to turn on some extra mojo to reel in the two votes.
“Look, you won’t regret it,” the slightly clammy college politician continued with forced confidence. “I’m going to make sure we all get free Pornhub subscriptions and all chalk drawings are laminated with saran wrap so the rain doesn’t wash them away. It’s about time—are you with me?!”
The couple hastily muttered a “yeah sure, man” under their breaths while gathering their things to leave, officially breaking up but at least two votes closer to getting free Pornhub subscriptions.