March 20, 2017

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure.

“Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality at Gannett? As your SA representative, I understand you might be frustrated by the flaws in our current system,” Thomas said to the guy peeing to his right, edging closer and leaning in slightly in an attempt to appear more charismatic. The self-proclaimed politically-savvy candidate then introduced himself, his campaign pitch, and a summary of his positions while taking his sweet time relieving himself, attempting to make eye contact.

“There were four other urinals he could have chosen, but he chose the one right next to mine!”, said a pleasantly surprised Jason Birchman ‘20. “This shows he really cares.”

To really reel Birchman in, Thomas slipped him a quartercard with a charming wink before confidently leaving his potential voter to wash his hands in peace.

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