Disarmed Kathy Zoner Uses Rope & Lasso to Wrangle In Naughty Boys

ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback.

“Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the Day Hall parking lot,” noted bystander Louis Parker ’22. “She then placed her 10-gallon hat on its roof before asking ‘who do you think you are stirrin’ up trouble ‘round this little ol’ town?’”

“She must’ve been waiting for this moment for years, right?” asked Sammy Peters ’23, who was busted for jaywalking across Campus Road. “I mean, does CUPD have horses? No, like seriously, have they always had horses?”

By Sunday afternoon, the cling-clang of her boot spurs struck fear into the heart of any local rascal within earshot. Zoner, who routinely removed her bandana to menacingly stare down her foes, had already rounded up dozens of ne’er-do-wells guilty of various campus infractions.

At press time, Zoner, sporting a customized saddle and golden belt buckle, tossed the rope over her shoulder, mounted her trusty steed, and silently nodded before racing down Tower Road and disappearing into the night.

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