“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…

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College of Engineering Announces All Students Must Be Tucked in for Bedtime by 8 PM

OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….

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(Original picture from Boris Tsang / Sun Photography Editor, 11/20/2020)

CUPD Releases Survey Showing 107% Approval Rating on Campus

BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security.  “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….

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The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…

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Michael Wenye Li / Cornell Daily Sun

New Blue Lights on Campus Actually Two Week Art Installation

CENTRAL CAMPUS—The new Blue Light call boxes recently installed on campus are an architecture professor’s temporary art exhibit and will not connect users to the police, the University clarified Wednesday. “I’ve decided to do my part to make Cornell more secure by creating an installation that forces viewers to ponder the true meaning of campus…

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