College of Engineering Announces All Students Must Be Tucked in for Bedtime by 8 PM

OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset.

“After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92. “Clearly, the college is not getting enough sleep, and that’s making them pretty grumpy. So we decided to help out, sending a professor and TAs out to each dorm to get them comfy, read them a story, and maybe bring them an Oreo if they promise not to get crumbs on the sheets.”

Reports have spread across campus of Engineering students breaking this new curfew by doing problem sets after hours, holding secretive study sessions, and writing lab reports. Campus police have cracked down on these secretive meetings, ensuring students get a solid eight hours by rounding up students, replacing their Mountain Dew KickStarts™ with warm milk, and blasting Mozart into Duffield Atrium at night. Some engineering students have expressed concern with this new campaign.

“This all feels so oppressive,” said Khalid Richards ‘22 while being offered Melatonin gummies by a nearby policeman. “We’re perfectly capable of deciding for ourselves how many credits are too much, and eight o’ clock is way too early to go to bed. Last night, CUPD broke into my room with a white noise machine and started playing rainforest sounds while I was trying to complete a paper. It was so distracting.”

Following the backlash, the Engineering School has promised to reconsider if students finish their vegetables at dinner all of next week.

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