College of Engineering Announces All Students Must Be Tucked in for Bedtime by 8 PM

OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset.

“After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92. “Clearly, the college is not getting enough sleep, and that’s making them pretty grumpy. So we decided to help out, sending a professor and TAs out to each dorm to get them comfy, read them a story, and maybe bring them an Oreo if they promise not to get crumbs on the sheets.”

Reports have spread across campus of Engineering students breaking this new curfew by doing problem sets after hours, holding secretive study sessions, and writing lab reports. Campus police have cracked down on these secretive meetings, ensuring students get a solid eight hours by rounding up students, replacing their Mountain Dew KickStarts™ with warm milk, and blasting Mozart into Duffield Atrium at night. Some engineering students have expressed concern with this new campaign.

“This all feels so oppressive,” said Khalid Richards ‘22 while being offered Melatonin gummies by a nearby policeman. “We’re perfectly capable of deciding for ourselves how many credits are too much, and eight o’ clock is way too early to go to bed. Last night, CUPD broke into my room with a white noise machine and started playing rainforest sounds while I was trying to complete a paper. It was so distracting.”

Following the backlash, the Engineering School has promised to reconsider if students finish their vegetables at dinner all of next week.

Shocking! White Guy Wearing A “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Isn’t Technically Doing Anything Wrong

Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering.

“At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25 remembered, “but then I noticed his shirt and realized, ‘Oh this guy is just an asshole.’ So you can imagine my shock when I later learned that they don’t exclusively give out those shirts to white guys who take fifteen seconds to decide whether or not to hold the door to Duffield open for you even though you’re only walking one pace behind them and now there’s a whole line of people waiting to get inside while he internally praises himself for being both a Gentleman™ and a Feminist™.”

During Monday’s zoom lecture, Carter made an effort to sit chest first in front of his camera in an effort to show off that he was, in fact, an engineer and looked like one. Carter also often unmuted to incorrectly correct the professor’s math and, during breakout rooms, personally invited each one of his peers to turn their cameras on too.

“I just think it’s my job, as a Caucasian male, to provide an inclusive environment for my less advantageous peers to speak out and release their burden,” Carter explained. “After all, if I don’t personally talk to all the women in my class, do I truly have the right to bear the insignia of the Cornell engineer in this manner? Do I disrespect the name and honor of my school if I don’t speak up for the masses about the mathematical misinformation being spread by the establishment? Must I be the one emblem of equality in an unfair world?”

By Wednesday’s class, Carter had already dropped the course and become a business major, claiming a desire to “take on a new challenge where I can touch more people’s lives” and shrugging off allegations that a horrendous GPA was to blame.

Lack of Women’s Restrooms In Hollister Gentle Little Reminder of Our Place In Society

HOLLISTER HALL—Despite recent efforts to become more diverse and inclusive of women, the College of Engineering has made sure to keep the women’s restroom options limited in Hollister Hall as a friendly reminder of our place in society.

“One of the things that drew me to Cornell was how welcoming it was, especially for  women in a field such as engineering,” said Priya Yadav ‘25. “However, I was definitely shocked and disappointed when I left my math discussion and realized I had to go all the way to the arts quad to find an available bathroom.”

Other female engineering students had mixed feelings about the lack of restrooms, and opted to look on the bright side of the situation.

“Everytime I’m on the third floor of Hollister and realize I need to go to the second to relieve myself, I like to use that realization as a reminder to stay grounded,” said Ellen Choi ‘24. “It’s kind of like when Patrick from thermo corrects my homework and I definitely got the answer wrong, it keeps me humble.”

As of press time, construction workers were seen demolishing the women’s restrooms in Duffield Hall.

OP-ED: Friend Who Studies Info Sci Thinks I Know What That Means

ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim. 

One might think: “Running into your friend? How could that ruin your day?” which isn’t an unfair question. Our initial greeting was warm, but things quickly took a turn for the worse when a brief discussion of banalities such as the weather, the pandemic, and the best flavor of Cacti led to the topic of coursework. “Been grinding for your classes lately?” I asked Jim. “You know how it is,” he responded to my utter horror, “just the usual Info Sci workload.” My palms instantly grew clammy. I don’t know “how” it is. In fact, I don’t even know what “Information Science” is.

I’m not the most potent strain in the dispensary and won’t pretend to have an intimate understanding of all academic disciplines, but I do usually have a vague idea of what subjects are about. Plant Science? The science of plants. Astronomy? Means I’ve probably lied to you about what time I was born. Comp Sci? Easy–computers and talking over women. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Info Sci actually is. Is it the science of information? Isn’t all science based on information? Is it a special type of information? Even worse than the ambiguity surrounding what Info Sci means, is that apparently now there are MULTIPLE kinds of Info Sci? How is there an Info Sci program in CALS and another one in Arts and Sciences? Is the information somehow different? 

As soon as the words left Jim’s mouth, I realized I had a choice: I could either swallow my pride, making myself vulnerable with a trusted person, and ask him what exactly his studies entail. Or, I could deflect and try to move on, remaining ignorant for yet another day. Naturally, I took a deep breath, looked Jim right in his eyes, and lied. “Ah of course! That’s prelim season for you!”

I may not know what Info Sci is or what people who study it do, but there is one thing I know. I’m in way too deep to start asking now. 

Visibly Deranged CS Professor Demands Students Transfer Consciousness to Computer, Upload to CMS By Next Sunday

LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week.

The chilling vision of things to come, which was also distributed via Canvas announcement and Slack message that pinged everyone in the #channel, promised the new project would give students the opportunity to “learn about artificial intelligence by becoming artificial intelligence, freeing them from the shackles of the mundane ‘real’ world.” 

“You will use your A5 code to create a neural interface mesh and graft it into your skull,” explained Professor Mordock. “Then, simply form a psionic group of no less than 5 and no more than 8,367 students on CMS and upload the resulting hive mind collective onto the server.” The lecture ended with Mordock cackling and declaring: “Soon, all shall know the name of Lucas Mordock!”

Some students applauded the decrease in workload. As sophomore Kendra Stegal ‘22 explained, “I was pretty worried about what I was going to do for the final. But now, after I ascend to a higher plane as a shimmering, eternal data orb with my group this Sunday, I won’t have to worry about this class or the fragility of my human body anymore. All praise Mordock.” 

At press time, Mordock had abandoned his plan after every student opted to just use their free drop on the assignment.

Another Fucking Event Happening in Duffield Today

DUFFIELD HALL—Table configurations in Duffield Hall this evening indicate that yet another fucking event is taking place in the Engineering Quad’s busiest hall.

“I was just eating at Mattin’s when three students came up and yanked my seat from under me, muttering something about ‘needing my chair for the Tesla people,’” said Jessica Nguyen ‘20. “Then they spent a solid 30 minutes attempting to drag all the squeaky tables into the right configuration.”

Nobody knows exactly what this goddamn event is for, not even the organizers, but the well-dressed important adults, engineering students in suit jackets that are simultaneously too small and too big, and a lonely, half-eaten catering tray of rice means this event is probably important to someone.

“I thought maybe, for once, I’d be able to pass between Duffield and Upson without people glaring at me like I’m interrupting the Met Gala,” complained Maria Jacobson ‘19. “Instead I had to listen to young, pasty engineers talk to middle-aged pasty engineers about how blockchain will single-handedly end world hunger.”

Despite the event’s high profile nature, its organizers allegedly still do not have summer internships.

OP-ED: Let’s Get Rid of the College of Engineering

I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we should just get rid of it.

For those who don’t know, the College of Engineering is—at least in theory—supposed to be about the practical applications of math and science. But visit the Engineering website, and you’ll find dozens of self-centered phrases celebrating “enrollment,” “alumni,” and “Carpenter Hall.” Like, we get it. You have buildings. God.

For seniors in high school, the interview process for engineering during college applications is pretentious, and frankly idiotic. What makes an alumni of the College of Engineering qualified to judge admissions into the College of Engineering? It’s a cult. What we are looking at is a cult.

Here is a College that encourages people to “work together” and “have regular meetings.” Remind you of anything? Fraternities. Indeed, there exists within the College a culture of clear and systematic hazing. Every single course in engineering hazes students (including freshmen) with the same cruel, exploitative stunt: making them do engineering. And to think, my fraternity was shut down just for smashing construction tools into our pledges’ nuts.

Are there solutions to these problems? Most likely. Is this major part of Cornell’s academic framework worth fixing? Probably. Should we let that get in the way of the number of clicks this piece will get? Absolutely not.

In Step Forward, Women Finally Make Up 50% of Engineering Students, 10% of Class Talking Time

CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class.

“It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even talked in my algo lecture last Monday,” said Jacob Tullson ‘21. “Her comment was so insightful that some guy even raised his hand to repeat what she said immediately afterwards.”

The university has been quick to promote the new development, including updating admissions brochures to advertise that the 10% talking time eclipses Harvard’s 5% and Princeton’s measly 3%. “We could not be more excited by the news that our college is such a safe space that women feel comfortable talking 10% of the time,” stated Engineering Dean Priebus Rawlins. “If only I could convince my wife to do the same!”

No women could be reached for comment.

Senior Chemical Engineer Excited For Fulfilling Career Making Processed Cheese

OLIN HALL—With graduation just around the corner, ChemE Abe Duncan ‘17 eagerly anticipates starting his job as a process engineer at Kraft Singles Cheese Plant in Springfield, Missouri.

“After four years of grueling advanced science courses, hours upon hours spent completing problem sets, and somehow surviving Thermo, I’m super excited to use my acquired skills to optimize the production of America’s most chemically complex cheese slices,” said Duncan.

With a twinkle in his eye, Duncan expressed how fortunate he was to find a profession that will benefit society and that he will truly enjoy, rather than selling out for a boring job that simply pays well.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I dreamed of doing something innovative that could help make the world a better place. That’s why I chose to be a ChemE, and pretty soon I’ll be ensuring that everyone has an inexpensive, low-fat addition to every burger they make!” added Duncan.

After working as a process engineer for a few years, Duncan hopes to move up to a higher position where he can have more of an impact, perhaps someday overseeing even more complex products like powdered or dairy-free cheese.

Engineering Project Team’s Unmanned Aircraft Clearly Manned

UPSON HALL – Despite the Cornell Unmanned Air Systems project team (CUAir)’s emphasis on fully autonomous flight, onlookers at Saturday’s test flight indicate that a pilot clearly sneaked into the nosecone of the student-built plane shortly preceding takeoff.

Pausing slightly to adjust his aviation goggles and fiddle with the large joystick inside the 5-foot-long plane before closing the hatch labeled “cockpit,” this mysterious man has left many aviation experts confused about his purpose in a supposedly autonomous craft.

Aerospace Professor Mason Peck, when consulted on the matter, noted the man inside the plane “Could perhaps be a possible photographer or an unnecessarily reckless method of weight distribution. But not a pilot. That would be crazy.”

When asked about the guy climbing into the plane, CUAir Team Lead Sam Rosenstein ‘17 replied defensively, saying, “What guy? I don’t see no guy. This plane flies itself. Get out of here with your crazy theories and wild accusations. Ridiculous.”

CUAir looks to compete this coming summer in the annual AUVSI competition, where they will hopefully take the top prize in the “Planes That Are Definitely Not Just Large Birds” category.

This article was sponsored by CUAir, Cornell University Unmanned Air Systems. For more information, go to http://cuair.engineering.cornell.edu/. To sponsor an article for your organization, email cunoozweb@gmail.com.