Cornell Administration Pleads for Understanding, Only Capable Of Empathizing “With One Minority Group At A Time”

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time.

“Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a statement committing to re-evaluating our curriculum and how we can do better, including implementing resources for minority groups and platforming more people of color,” said John Malch, a member of Cornell’s leadership. “This past week, in the midst of another round of protests, we put out another statement, telling our students how much we disavow these attacks, a full year after they started increasing. Anti-Asian hate crimes rose over 150% in 2020, which we have acknowledged now, in March 2021, because we’re a progressive institution dedicated to addressing problems as soon as they become impossible to ignore.”

Cornell University has a long track record of changing in the face of overwhelming public pressure, from divesting from fossil fuels after widespread protest and outrage, to making Ibrahim X. Kennedy’s How to be an Antiracist available on Canvas after widespread protest and outrage. They also stood by a professor publicly defending police violence and retweeting anti-mask rants, because it’s much easier to admonish 20-year-olds for being irresponsible than it is to hold a tenured professor to account for vocally undermining university safety protocols.

“Look, we’re trying to consider all these issues,” mentioned a prominent administrator. “But we’ve been so busy solving other problems. We addressed the BLM movement with several initiatives, put in safety measures for the COVID pandemic, and then of course we had the whole disarmament thing, which was exhausting. There just wasn’t time to thoughtfully engage with more than one specific type of oppression. I’m sure when another widespread political movement for basic human rights pops up, we’ll be right there with a strongly-worded statement, ready to fight for our public image.”

Asked whether Cornell planned to address the sexism also inherent in recent attacks, the overwhelmed administrator put their head in their hands and said they would address it at a later date, if enough people were still asking about it.

Bold Champion of Health and Safety Gives Courageous Glare to No-Masker

HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday.

“I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just sorta squinted my eyes to let them know that I strongly disapprove.”

The forceful message was entirely lost on the no-masked student, who could not distinguish any change in expression from behind Dabiri’s face mask and sunglasses.

“Oh, she glared at me? I didn’t even notice,” responded Justin Cold ‘24 . “If she had just reminded out loud me to put my mask on, I probably would have done it.”

Following the incident, Dabiri took a well-deserved break from being on the vanguard of the pandemic response by scrolling through Instagram and passively judging all her friends that posted pictures in a group without masks.

Cornell Quarterback Takes Knee To Run Out Clock

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line.

“The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time it felt different,” said Jake Lin ’20, one of the game’s attendees. “Today, our quarterback showed the world that he could not ignore discrimination, or the chance of a last-second turnover becoming an easy touchdown for Harvard.”

While many prominent NFL players have recently sought to bring attention to police violence by kneeling during the national anthem, before today no such protest had actually occurred during gameplay, or had been a strategic move to end the first half.

Fans saw the Big Red’s act of solidarity as a moral victory in spite of the loss, not realizing Cornell actually won the game.

Cornell Announces Harriet Tubman to be Featured on the Big Red Buck

DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time.

“We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty to stand up for social change, “Honoring Tubman’s accomplishment is important to the university, and we love social causes. I remember back when we decided to add ethnic minorities to our website photos, and now look at us. We have a woman on the BRB.”

Students and faculty had been protesting the lack of a racially diverse pioneer of civil rights on the Big Red Buck for several months, and the Cornell administration happily agreed to mint the new design during the next iteration of printing.

“I’m really proud to be a Cornellian right now,” said Hugo Sinclair ’18. “We were among the first universities to let in African Americans, and now we’re the first to have a woman on our legal tender. Still progressive as always”

Union of White Cornell Students to Sit on Front Porch, Remember Life Under the Confederacy

WAIT AVE — In a move that will surely stir up controversy throughout campus, The Union of White Cornell Students has announced plans to sit in rocking chairs on their front porch and fondly reminisce about life in the glory days of the Confederate States of America.

“America needs to find its roots again, and nothin’ says American roots like General Robert E. Lee and the good ol’ boys in gray” said Jesse Oldfield ‘17, as he polished off his shotgun and took a hock in his spittoon.

“White culture is important to me and all of our members. We need to preserve the legacy of our landed ancestry and hearken back to the 1850’s.”

After rocking back and forth for a few hours, the Union of White Cornell Students went inside their house, sat on a torn-up leather couch and tuned into Rush Limbaugh on their radio.

Union of White Cornell Students’ March Indistinguishable From Usual Students Walking to Class

HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus.

“That march was today? I was out here giving out quartercards all afternoon and didn’t notice anything different,” said Jeremy Edgerton ’19, sharing the same sentiments of most Cornell students who didn’t recognize that there was anything unusual about the diversity of students going to class.

“I saw a decent-sized crowd of white people leaving Willard Straight at one point, but I figured they were just getting out of lunch. And I guess I noticed another bunch of people who all seemed to be making a fuss about something, but I’m pretty sure one of the guys was Asian, so it was probably just a group of friends.”

The Union of White Cornell Students has already announced that their next course of public action will include sit-ins at administrative and faculty offices, which will likely be overlooked as nothing more than bring-your-child-to-work day.