SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In a bold attempt to strengthen its monopoly on the market for needlessly annoying authenticating platforms for college students, Duo Mobile is set to launch an exciting new feature that preys on the crippled attention spans of young adults everywhere.
This move was prompted by the disappointing response to their previous update. Contrary to what the Duo Mobile R&D team’s months of research suggested, decreasing the time spent on the authentication process by one second did not generate much excitement from their frustrated audience.
“We underestimated how little patience college students have for anything that takes more than one click,” says Duo Mobile CEO Jack Ham. “But we’re not going down without a fight. We learned from our mistakes, fired our research team, and went to the modern hub of revolutionary ideas and innovation: TikTok.”
The new feature, which is being tested in multiple areas around the country, is receiving overwhelmingly positive feedback. Reports suggest that time spent on the app has skyrocketed by 200%, although one report notes that this may be entirely driven by just one person, who has been staring at the looped clips for five days. The app is also receiving hundreds of downloads in brand new locations from teenagers who now call it ‘the Subway Surfer clips app’ and haven’t yet noticed that the app is meant to be an authentication service.
“We’re looking into figuring out the optimal percentage of the screen that should be devoted to the gameplay clips,” says Ham. “Most of our staff is ready to get rid of the authentication aspect of our app, but we want to approach this carefully. This is the biggest breakthrough we’ve ever had.”
The research team at Duo – now just two teenagers they picked up from TikTok – is currently investigating adding another screen for Family Guy clips.