TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.
“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”
Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair.
As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.