Student Depressed That First Sunburn of the Year Came at Home and Not ‘Tossin’ Disk on the Quad’

MAMARONECK, NY—Thad McQuaid ‘20 recently expressed profound sadness that the first scorching of his oppressively pasty skin happened at home in Westchester, and not on the Arts Quad back in Ithaca.

“It just sucks, bro,” McQuaid explained tearfully. “Every year my boys and I would wait for the first nice day of spring and spend like 12 straight hours just slingin’ the saucer. At the end of the day we’d be so red we’d have to go inside and start coating each other in aloe. Now, that’s gone, and we can’t ever get it back—I’m already burned, man!”

McQuaid, like many Cornellians from the Northeast, was forced to go it alone this weekend, and waste the first horrific sunburn of the year sitting alone in his yard, disk in his hand, instead of the usual all-day frisbee marathon with the dudes.

“I miss him so much,” lamented McQuaid’s plastic-passing partner Darren Wrigley ‘20. “Usually by now we’d have done enough hammer throws to build a fuckin’ house, and then taken ice cold showers to try to correct the second degree burns. But here I am, crispy and alone.”

McQuaid was later seen engaging in a touching Zoom call with Wrigley, as they pretended to rub lavender essential oil on each other’s baked flesh through the camera.