STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with.
“It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who waited for almost twenty minutes behind a queue of squirrels and chipmunks for the day’s half-eaten burritos and salads.
Many feel overwhelmed by how popular the trash has become recently, offering a wide selection from leftover candy bars to whole, uneaten sandwiches students never had time for.
“I’ve got things to do, I can’t wait around all day for scraps,” said another concerned critter, “let some other scavenger have it. I’m not going to waste time and money on food I ain’t gonna finish.”
Raccoons and other creatures will likely face worse circumstances soon when broke college students join the line competing for garbage.