OP-ED: That Guy You’re Hooking Up With Is Actually Really Ugly

Hey queen! Can we have a little chat, just you and me? I am coming to you as a nameless, faceless concerned individual who is definitely not your best friend because nothing else seems to be getting through to you up to this point. I know the pandemic has been tough on all of us, and we’re all looking to find some physical comfort in the arms of another human, but please, ask yourself this question: is the guy you’re hooking up with actually attractive?

Actually, I’ll answer that for you. No, he is not. Now, I would definitely have no way of knowing the guy personally, but hear me out! 

I’m guessing you’re about to say, “you’re just jealous you haven’t felt the touch of another person in over a year,” which, while true, is hardly relevant. But please, let me help you. I’m tired of losing all my hot radical feminist besties to ugly Dyson boys.

Ask yourself this: when your friends wanted to see a picture of him, how long did it take you to find one where he looked good? Yeah. That’s right. You had to scroll back three years on his Instagram feed to find a halfway decent photo of him, didn’t you. If you’re so confident, why don’t you show me one more picture of him, just for good measure?

If you’ve gotten this far and still don’t think this applies to you, here’s a quick questionnaire. If you miraculously answer any of these questions affirmatively, then sweetie, I got bad news for you.

#1. Is your name Lucy? 

#2. Do you study ILR?

#3. Does this guy make your friends uncomfortable?

#4. Does he talk about how his ex was a “total bitch”?

#5. Did you have a class with said “total bitch” who was actually really nice?

See? You are too young to be settling for some busted looking man. That’s what your forties are for! 


Someone who’s not mad, just disappointed.


Honoring Black History Month, Professor Pledges to Continue Using Blackboard This Semester

ROCKEFELLER HALL—In an effort to show solidarity with his Black students during Black History Month, Anthropology Professor Bradley Haynes announced that he will refuse to switch from Blackboard to Canvas this semester.

While many professors are not opting to switch platforms until Spring 2020, Professor Haynes said his choice will show students that he is “truly down for the cause.”

“After binge-watching The Wire and viewing several rap videos I truly understand what it means to be Black in America”, Haynes said while struggling to figure out how to add a ‘Grades’ section to the class Blackboard. “I think my students will finally understand how much I care about their culture and preventing erasure in course platform names.”

While continuing to use an objectively worse course management system is a small move, Haynes emphasized that he does not want his Black students to think poorly of him or think he is out of touch with anything but technology.

“I’m also planning on giving every student with proof of having more than one Black friend an extra 5% on their final grade,” said Haynes, adding that they’d have to submit proof on paper because he can’t figure out how to set submission up through Blackboard’s interface.

Black students in the class noted that while the professor means well, they don’t expect him to modify the readings for the semester to include a single study of a non-white society.