DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability.
Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured that every student in their 11:15AM lecture was informed of the university President’s rear pedestrian alert system.
Kotlikoff reportedly reacted out of concern that Trump might disapprove of his respect for students’ safety or his choice to drive an electric vehicle. Fortunately, he quickly reaffirmed his dedication to quashing student protest by completely omitting the hit and run of an undergraduate while painting himself as the victim.
When interviewed, Kotlikoff said “I successfully disagree. My car is the most expensive and awesomest machine to ever be designed and discussing the automatic braking system at such great length is not me compensating for anything.” He also expressed displeasure at Students for a Democratic Cornell’s decision to release their footage of the incident to the press, stating, “I’d really prefer their clips support a narrative that is further away from the truth.”
It should be noted that, per the Expressive Activity Policy, students are still disallowed from “successful disagreement”.
