Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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Help! I Got My Flu Shot at the Vet School and Now I’m Neighing Like a Horse on Anabolic Steroids

COLLEGE OF VETERINARY MEDICINE—Students were able to get their seasonal flu shots free of charge this year at a variety of sites on campus. Unfortunately, it seems like some individuals who received their vaccine at the College of Veterinary Medicine are suffering from an unintended side effect: neighing like a horse on anabolic steroids.  Carlton…

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 ‘I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater’: Model UN Participant Garners Semblance of Self-Awareness

URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.”  Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…

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Natural Selection? Slowest Freshman in Pack Trampled by Cornell Run Club

ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…

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Op-Ed: I’m Not Sure Which “They” Marjorie Taylor Greene is Talking About, But I’m Glad She Supports the Nonbinary Community

Last Thursday on X (formerly Twitter), Marjorie Taylor Greene, a House Republican from Georgia, doubled down on her claims of a shadowy “they” capable of “[controlling] the weather.”  This assertion comes in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which left a path of destruction across the southeast; Hurricane Milton, which was upgraded to a category five…

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Cornell’s Commitment to Sustainability: Flu Shot Clinics to Reuse Needles, Bandages

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—This flu season, it’s not only the health of students that Cornell administrators are concerned about, but also the health of our planet. “We’re very excited about the Share-rynge Campaign,” said Sarah Carson, Director of the Campus Sustainability Office. “By cutting down on single-use plastics like hypodermic needles and bandages and instead choosing…

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“Mark Robinson Was Busy,” Cornell Republicans Explain Decision to Invite Ben Shapiro to Campus

WHITE HALL—Facing backlash for inviting conservative pundit Ben Shapiro to campus, the Cornell Republicans have endeavored to set the record straight. Club President Justin Miller ‘26 explained this decision in a recent statement, writing: “Mark Robinson was busy.” Ryan’s full statement intended to shed some light on the situation: “We understand some of the concern…

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