PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
IITHACA COMMONS—Wary of coming across as desperate on a first date, local single Jimena Perez ’21 was unsure if removing her mask would be too bold. “I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when meeting a guy for the first time,” sighed Perez. “To be honest, I’d be perfectly fine skipping all the…
COLLEGETOWN— Recently, I noticed that Cornell was shutting down the Empathy, Assistance, and Referral Services Peer Counseling Program, on the basis that they could not afford the insurance. And I get it, because I too cannot afford health insurance. But please, I’m begging you, reinstate the peer counseling program, because if my friends come to…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
ITHACA, NY – At 11:53 AM, the Cornell Commencement Committee announced that this year’s convocation speaker will be the Grimm Reaper in order to remind seniors that the only remaining milestone in their lives is certain death. “We really want to drive home the fact that after college, current students will spend the rest of…
Kenneth Post Greenhouse — In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology professor Melinda Luckow asked with…
BARTELS HALL—After not losing last night, Cornell men’s basketball team has maintained its perfect no-loss record into the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament. “Honestly, if you’d asked me in February I would have thought we’d have lost by now,” admitted guard James Banket ‘24. “If you had told me we would be undefeated going…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
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