SUDBURY, ONTARIO—When Miles Anderson’s estranged great-aunt died earlier this month, he didn’t think much of it. But a $100,000 check from her estate opened a world of possibilities for the young man. “When I got the letter, I was like, ‘Hell yeah, a hundred grand,’” Anderson said. “I thought about buying a cool car or…
Rush week, the week preceding each spring semester used for Greek organization formal recruitment, can be a tricky time for potential new members. Unfamiliar terms like “smokers,” “contacts,” and “bids” are thrown around while meeting an influx of new people. It’s best to be as prepared as possible for a decision that can affect the…
BECKER HOUSE—Betty Keepler ‘22 considered herself lucky when her roommate Gloria Powell ‘22 informed her of her plans to drive her older sister’s compact SUV cross-country for the 2019-2020 school year. “She offered to drive me to my therapy appointments in Collegetown, which was super nice of her,” said Keepler “Parking passes are expensive, so…
NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs. The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger,…
COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula…
COLLEGETOWN— Recently, I noticed that Cornell was shutting down the Empathy, Assistance, and Referral Services Peer Counseling Program, on the basis that they could not afford the insurance. And I get it, because I too cannot afford health insurance. But please, I’m begging you, reinstate the peer counseling program, because if my friends come to…
NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….
DAY HALL—In yet another email to the Cornell community this Tuesday afternoon, President Martha Pollack reiterated her firmly held view that an in-person graduation ceremony would, all things being equal, in theory, be preferable to a virtual graduation event. “I know I might catch some flack for this controversial opinion, but I couldn’t stay silent any…
