CU Nooz – Page 14

Administration Takes Action By Announcing A Plan To Establish A Timetable for Forming a Committee to Investigate the Feasibility of Solutions to Relevant Issues

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago04 mins

DAY HALL—In the face of near-constant criticism from faculty and student advocates that the university’s administration does not do enough, Cornell’s front office has decided to silence doubters with an undeniably swift and decisive form of action. “Today, we make history,” announced President Martha Pollack. “For the first time in this University’s almost two centuries…

My Calloused Hands Toil Thy Bosses Land: Problem Set Due on Labor Day

Nooz Staff2 years ago1 year ago03 mins

IVES HALL—A veritable academic eclipse has sent the New York State School of Industrial and Labor Relations into chaos as two rare events have coincided: a university-sanctioned holiday, and ILR students submitting an assignment. ILRLRLRLR 1321: Introduction to Conflict Provocation students are speaking out against their ostensible subjugation: a problem set due Monday evening. “I’m…

OP-ED: I’m So Happy, Sad, Terrified, Overwhelmed, Thankful, and In Denial To Be Graduating

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago05 mins

By a senior. Wow. Four years. Four years ago, I was an innocent and oblivious freshman, not knowing what college was going to be like and getting lost on the first day of class. I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into. And yet look how far I’ve come; in a few…

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago03 mins

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world. Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what…

Freshman Loses The Few Friends He Has By Pronouncing Gracías “Grathías” In Introductory Spanish Class

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

ZOOM—Charlie Richmond ‘24 unsuccessfully attempted to impress his SPAN 1101: General Spanish I professor with a refined pronunciation of “grathías” on the first day of class. “At first I thought that the other students would be intimidated by my obvious natural proficiency for Spanish,” Richmond explained, “but then I remembered my most recent trip to…

Skorton Reveals Plan to Cover Entire Campus in Giant Glass Dome by 2017

Nooz Staff12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…

ILR Seniors Excited to Start Lucrative Union-Busting Careers

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money. “It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of…

Campus Sinks 2-3 Inches Into Ground from Students’ Post-Thanksgiving Weight Gain

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week. “I haven’t really noticed any changes around campus” remarked John Clemens…

Little Big Littler Than Big Little

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…

Men’s Hockey Loses by Single Touchdown in 7-0 Defensive Struggle

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago01 mins

LYNAH RINK- The men’s hockey team was defeated by Union College Saturday evening in a game that was tightly contested for all three periods. “Our boys fought hard out there,” said Coach Mike Schafer of the game in which his team allowed their opponent to score only once, a touchdown for seven points, on defense….

Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

Out of Retirement Kathy Zoner Spotted Wrangling, Powerslamming Giant Coronavirus on Arts Quad

Aww! Discussion Section Classmate Says First Words

Mamdani Debates Cuomo As World War I Flying Ace Curtis Sliwa Dogfights Infamous Red Baron

New Study Determines that Becky is, in Fact, a Bitch

Senior Chalks Up Alcohol Withdrawal Headache to “Lack of Sleep”

Administration Takes Action By Announcing A Plan To Establish A Timetable for Forming a Committee to Investigate the Feasibility of Solutions to Relevant Issues

My Calloused Hands Toil Thy Bosses Land: Problem Set Due on Labor Day

OP-ED: I’m So Happy, Sad, Terrified, Overwhelmed, Thankful, and In Denial To Be Graduating

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

Freshman Loses The Few Friends He Has By Pronouncing Gracías “Grathías” In Introductory Spanish Class

Skorton Reveals Plan to Cover Entire Campus in Giant Glass Dome by 2017

ILR Seniors Excited to Start Lucrative Union-Busting Careers

Campus Sinks 2-3 Inches Into Ground from Students’ Post-Thanksgiving Weight Gain

Little Big Littler Than Big Little

Men’s Hockey Loses by Single Touchdown in 7-0 Defensive Struggle