According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
NORTH CAMPUS — The gigantic icicle just outside your dorm has been waiting there for the past few weeks. Gaining strength. Waiting just for you. For the perfect moment to strike. “You have to stop worrying about that icicle,” warns your roommate, but you can’t stop thinking about its ominous presence outside your window. Its…
WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of…
UPSON HALL—While perusing course evaluation forms and hotboxing his on-campus office, mechanical engineering professor Travis Valensi began to wonder about the feasibility of some kind of equivalent student evaluation form. “It’s, uh, it’s kinda unfair that students can say whatever they think about professors, but professors don’t get that opportunity as well, you know?” said…
CORNELL HEALTH—A proud newly accepted class of 15 lucky Cornell students have been selected to fill all available appointment slots this semester. Cornell Health released statistics about their incoming class: “The average stab wound of an accepted patient came in at an impressive 12 inches long, most students filled out their forms in less than…
Every day at noon, I begin my arduous trek to the piss palace which I had carefully chosen on the ninth floor of Bradfield Hall, a place so far off the beaten path that no mortal man would dare to venture. See, a man’s experience in the bathroom is a sacred thing; it’s a time…
LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…
This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer. It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick won’t be able to touch…
BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple. “When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help…
