Guy Who Never Goes to Things Wants You to Buy Tickets to His Things

HO PLAZA—A guy who never goes to things is currently aggressively quarter-carding on Ho Plaza, trying to get you to buy tickets to his things.

“I’ve been so busy preparing for my things that I wasn’t able to go to your thing. I’ll be sure to go to your thing next semester unless I’m busy again with my thing,” the guy said, gently sliding his quarter cards into both of your jacket pockets and your hood.

The guy, who is reportedly unwilling to download Venmo or go to an ATM to obtain the $5 admission to any of your events, still wants you to attend his a capella concert, his staged reading of Sophocles’ Theban plays, and his cousin Trudy’s bat mitzvah bash.

“Oh, I went to his thing,” said unfortunate ticket-buyer Harold Soo ‘20. “I spent two whole hours watching him beatbox. He called it ‘a cappella with instruments.’ It was sickening.”

As Trudy’s bat mitzvah bash is expected to go off the rails this weekend, the guy will likely need a solid two weeks to rest and avoid going to any other things.

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