In Tearful Plea to Student Body, President Martha Pollack Asks If Anyone Has A Charger She Can Borrow

DAY HALL—In a rare demonstration of vulnerability, President Martha Pollack opened up to students with an emotional request this Friday morning: “My phone is almost dead, does anyone have a charger I can borrow for like half an hour?”

“I forgot my charger in my city office. I know what you’re thinking, ‘classic sloppy Martha, always making a fool of herself!’ But please you guys, I have feelings too. My phone is on 4%. I’m seriously in, like, such a bad mood already and if it dies I’ll lose it. I’m trying to keep it together until the end of this meeting but I’m like holding back A LOT of emotion right now,” the President explained. Upon inquiry as to what has gotten her so frazzled and down, she said that it’s “hard to explain,” and “just like, everything is so much.” 

President Pollack described that she “swears to give it back,” and “just needs to reach around 30% and she’ll be good.” Despite the desperate begging, no one has gotten back to her just yet. In a follow-up email, the President pleaded, “Seriously, you guys. Come on. If I have to make my assistant go to 7/11 to buy a new one I might have to cut a few budgets. And we don’t want Cornell Health to go bye-bye, would we?”

When Vice President Ryan Lombardi was asked for comment on the matter, he claimed that “this isn’t the first time she’s forgotten her charger. I let her borrow mine during a meeting once and I never saw it again. She’s getting all worked up over nothing, and for the record, I saw her draining her battery with Clash of Clans before this.” 

The President ended her follow-up email with a typo-ridden final statement on her agonizing need: “plerase. i need my pohne. tears r on th screenmn n makng hard 2 typr. ryan is such a cunt i swr 2 give it bck.  im on 1 n cnt deal wit this just let me borriw2 chargger 4 a sec!!!!1!!”

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