Cornell Hangs “No Winter Maintenance” Sign on Rockefeller Hall

ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday.

Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many students believe Rockefeller Hall is desperately in need of maintenance to keep it from crumbling into the side of PSB. But as facilities worker Otis Mecklenberg explained, “Our number one goal is to keep Rockefeller slightly less depressing than Baker Lab. According to current estimates, that gives us up to fifteen years of no maintenance whatsoever before we even get close.” In response to student concerns, he even promised to “throw a little salt around those icy sidewalks” whenever he fell while eating a bag of pretzels.

The new measure has been resoundingly popular among students, who agree that Rockefeller is perfect exactly the way it isn’t.

“I came to Cornell to be challenged, and every time I barely slide myself up the hill to Rockefeller before being concussed by ten pounds of snow falling off the dangerously sloped roof, I know that I’ve made the right choice,” said Hannah Redfield ‘25, who had a cast on each arm and both legs. “It’s an honor to walk the same halls that Richard Feynman walked, in exactly the state that he saw them, with exactly the same asbestos. Plus, I found a bat on the fourth floor, and now I have a new pet!” she said, referring to Hans Bat-the, who carries Rabies lyssavirus.

At press time, Facilities Management had already begun creating similar signs for spring, summer, and fall.